Readers, do you experience restless, heavy or light sleep?
A ringing in one or both ears; sneezing; improper sexual urges involving water fowl or yaks? Do you suffer from a sharp stabbing pain in the right comer of your left eye or have frequent hallucinations which feature tiny woodland creatures battling each other with axes? Are all your clothes lavender?
Do you frequently find yourself singing the theme to Gilligan's Island? Are you experiencing searing abdominal cramps, bloating, hiccups, wheezing, incontinence, incoherent speech, dry mouth, wet mouth, chapped lips, blurred vision, dizziness, euphoria, depression, or delusions of grandeur? Are you livin' la vida loca? Have you been a puppet, a pirate, a pauper, a pawn or a king?
Do you have nausea, a persistent phlegm-producing cough, vaginal irritation, sore gums, a slight limp, post or pre-nasal drip, single or multiple sclerosis, inflammation of two or more testicles, profuse bleeding from your eye sockets, swollen wrists or ankles? Are you a victim of uncontrollable sobbing or urination, chills, paranoia, infrequent bowel movements, itching, swelling, chaffing, anxiety, night sweats, day sweats, mid-afternoon sweats, or anorexia?
Do you have an enlarged knee or redness and irritation in or around your nostrils and anus, accompanied by feelings of worthlessness? Have you ever felt as though you had been touched by an angel in an improper fashion? Does the sight of children playing cause you discomfort? Do you get headaches, fever or bouts of unexplained laughter? Does the big toe on your left foot seem a little odd-looking to you? Have you ever killed a man just to see him die? Do you have hemorrhoids, warts, herpes, freckles, hair loss, arthritis, asthma, cancer, acne, braces, shingles, a lisp, or nipples?
Do you suffer from schizophrenia, compulsive gambling, anal retentiveness, combination skin, oily hair, a painful elbow, unwanted eyebrow hair, ingrown fingernails, unsightly cellulite, flabby thighs and forearms or premature ejaculation?
If you have answered "yes" to any of the preceding questions, and are either male, female or both, then you may have already won ten million dollars. Check with participating retailers. No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited by law.
Runners up will be able to privately meet with this column's writer. All runners up must be fairly attractive females and be willing to wear a French-cut bikini. This contest not endorsed by Driftwood or sanctioned in anyway by anyone other than this column's writer - Daniel Slate (also void where prohibited).
Here's the thing; this column isn't always going to make sense. I don't get a lot of sleep.
A ringing in one or both ears; sneezing; improper sexual urges involving water fowl or yaks? Do you suffer from a sharp stabbing pain in the right comer of your left eye or have frequent hallucinations which feature tiny woodland creatures battling each other with axes? Are all your clothes lavender?
Do you frequently find yourself singing the theme to Gilligan's Island? Are you experiencing searing abdominal cramps, bloating, hiccups, wheezing, incontinence, incoherent speech, dry mouth, wet mouth, chapped lips, blurred vision, dizziness, euphoria, depression, or delusions of grandeur? Are you livin' la vida loca? Have you been a puppet, a pirate, a pauper, a pawn or a king?
Do you have nausea, a persistent phlegm-producing cough, vaginal irritation, sore gums, a slight limp, post or pre-nasal drip, single or multiple sclerosis, inflammation of two or more testicles, profuse bleeding from your eye sockets, swollen wrists or ankles? Are you a victim of uncontrollable sobbing or urination, chills, paranoia, infrequent bowel movements, itching, swelling, chaffing, anxiety, night sweats, day sweats, mid-afternoon sweats, or anorexia?
Do you have an enlarged knee or redness and irritation in or around your nostrils and anus, accompanied by feelings of worthlessness? Have you ever felt as though you had been touched by an angel in an improper fashion? Does the sight of children playing cause you discomfort? Do you get headaches, fever or bouts of unexplained laughter? Does the big toe on your left foot seem a little odd-looking to you? Have you ever killed a man just to see him die? Do you have hemorrhoids, warts, herpes, freckles, hair loss, arthritis, asthma, cancer, acne, braces, shingles, a lisp, or nipples?
Do you suffer from schizophrenia, compulsive gambling, anal retentiveness, combination skin, oily hair, a painful elbow, unwanted eyebrow hair, ingrown fingernails, unsightly cellulite, flabby thighs and forearms or premature ejaculation?
If you have answered "yes" to any of the preceding questions, and are either male, female or both, then you may have already won ten million dollars. Check with participating retailers. No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited by law.
Runners up will be able to privately meet with this column's writer. All runners up must be fairly attractive females and be willing to wear a French-cut bikini. This contest not endorsed by Driftwood or sanctioned in anyway by anyone other than this column's writer - Daniel Slate (also void where prohibited).
Here's the thing; this column isn't always going to make sense. I don't get a lot of sleep.