Today I'd like to discuss my theory about how the Bible explains puberty. I'll grant you that this may seem a bit ambitious for my column, but clearly you underestimate the ambitions of this column and it's megalomaniacal cult leader. Uh, I mean, author. Author.
Before I get too deeply into this, I realize that there are simply some things which cannot be proven-- like the existence of God, or the existence of students who actually read Driftwood and this column. So I'm not trying to overstep or do anything offensive or presumptuous.
Anyway, I was reinterpreting and rewriting the Bible the other day because I find it has issues. They say it's a Good Book, but it is repetitious; four guys actually tell the same story at one point! If those guys would have collaborated, there would be just one really excellent comprehensive gospel. That's the gospel you want, the one from when they were still together as Apostles. We got gospels that were written well into their individual solo careers, after John had run off with Yoko. After that Matthew, Mark and Luke just kind of drifted apart. But this isn't about that, this is about the Book of Job.
The story of Job, for those who don't know, is basically this: God and Satan were having a casual conversation one day wherein God seems to be kind of bragging (and these aren't direct quotes):
God - "So Satan, what do you think of Job, huh? Great guy, isn't he? He's always praying and praising me and stuff. He's such a righteous-in-a-good-way guy, don't you think?"
Satan - "Well, yeah, Job's swell, but come on, you've blessed him with money and good health a wife and children. He's gotten everything he's ever wanted, sure he's grateful. Let me take over his life for a while and we'll see who's so great then!"
What happened next still kind of worries me, but nevertheless, God said "Yeah. OK. Go for it." So Satan kills all of Job's children: seven sons and three daughters. Job's wife curses him and disappears never to return. Then Satan has all of Job's belongings stolen or destroyed, leaving him poor. Lastly, Job's entire body broke out in painful sores. The point though, is that through it all, Job remained righteous and was finally rewarded with a new wife, clear skin, more money, good health and more children (probably much better children than that first lot! Good riddance, stupid innocent pawns in the game!)
OK, that's all in the Bible. Really, it is. But I think it is a metaphor for something still pertinent today. In my Biblical rewrite, the story begins the same. God and Satan are having a casual conversation, over drinks, wherein this exchange occurs:
God - "So Satan, what do you think of children? They're great, huh? They don't hate anyone or hold up liquor stores. Almost never a case of identity theft perpetrated by toddlers..."
Satan - "Well sure they're great, they have no worries. They're all cute and don't need jobs. Let me screw with 'em for a few years and we'll see how swell they are."
And God looked out at all the innocent beautiful children, of whom he was so proud, and turned to Satan and said:
"Sounds good. Tell you what, you can have them between the ages of 13 and 18."
Satan then cursed them with plagues that make locusts look tame. Puberty: acne, cystic acne, braces, braces with headgear, cracking voices, body hair, body odor, high school, the menstrual cycle, spontaneous erections and, then, right in the midst of all the horrible physical curses, you are expected to get a part-time job and get a date to the junior prom, the senior prom, four to eight homecoming dances and winter formals and various other Biblically horrific and awkward social situations. If you can make it through this period, you will be rewarded with better skin and teeth and a lifetime of fighting low self-esteem. And maybe a heavenly reward?
Now I know what you are thinking - some people don't get acne or need braces. Some people sail smoothly from being cute children right into being attractive, popular high school teens, where they date, play football or become cheerleaders.
These people are very easy to explain - they are the spawn of Satan; and if there is a God in heaven, they will burn in Hell for all eternity.
Editor's Note:
To reach Daniel Slate with your com-
ments, suggestions or advice, e-mail him
at [email protected]
Before I get too deeply into this, I realize that there are simply some things which cannot be proven-- like the existence of God, or the existence of students who actually read Driftwood and this column. So I'm not trying to overstep or do anything offensive or presumptuous.
Anyway, I was reinterpreting and rewriting the Bible the other day because I find it has issues. They say it's a Good Book, but it is repetitious; four guys actually tell the same story at one point! If those guys would have collaborated, there would be just one really excellent comprehensive gospel. That's the gospel you want, the one from when they were still together as Apostles. We got gospels that were written well into their individual solo careers, after John had run off with Yoko. After that Matthew, Mark and Luke just kind of drifted apart. But this isn't about that, this is about the Book of Job.
The story of Job, for those who don't know, is basically this: God and Satan were having a casual conversation one day wherein God seems to be kind of bragging (and these aren't direct quotes):
God - "So Satan, what do you think of Job, huh? Great guy, isn't he? He's always praying and praising me and stuff. He's such a righteous-in-a-good-way guy, don't you think?"
Satan - "Well, yeah, Job's swell, but come on, you've blessed him with money and good health a wife and children. He's gotten everything he's ever wanted, sure he's grateful. Let me take over his life for a while and we'll see who's so great then!"
What happened next still kind of worries me, but nevertheless, God said "Yeah. OK. Go for it." So Satan kills all of Job's children: seven sons and three daughters. Job's wife curses him and disappears never to return. Then Satan has all of Job's belongings stolen or destroyed, leaving him poor. Lastly, Job's entire body broke out in painful sores. The point though, is that through it all, Job remained righteous and was finally rewarded with a new wife, clear skin, more money, good health and more children (probably much better children than that first lot! Good riddance, stupid innocent pawns in the game!)
OK, that's all in the Bible. Really, it is. But I think it is a metaphor for something still pertinent today. In my Biblical rewrite, the story begins the same. God and Satan are having a casual conversation, over drinks, wherein this exchange occurs:
God - "So Satan, what do you think of children? They're great, huh? They don't hate anyone or hold up liquor stores. Almost never a case of identity theft perpetrated by toddlers..."
Satan - "Well sure they're great, they have no worries. They're all cute and don't need jobs. Let me screw with 'em for a few years and we'll see how swell they are."
And God looked out at all the innocent beautiful children, of whom he was so proud, and turned to Satan and said:
"Sounds good. Tell you what, you can have them between the ages of 13 and 18."
Satan then cursed them with plagues that make locusts look tame. Puberty: acne, cystic acne, braces, braces with headgear, cracking voices, body hair, body odor, high school, the menstrual cycle, spontaneous erections and, then, right in the midst of all the horrible physical curses, you are expected to get a part-time job and get a date to the junior prom, the senior prom, four to eight homecoming dances and winter formals and various other Biblically horrific and awkward social situations. If you can make it through this period, you will be rewarded with better skin and teeth and a lifetime of fighting low self-esteem. And maybe a heavenly reward?
Now I know what you are thinking - some people don't get acne or need braces. Some people sail smoothly from being cute children right into being attractive, popular high school teens, where they date, play football or become cheerleaders.
These people are very easy to explain - they are the spawn of Satan; and if there is a God in heaven, they will burn in Hell for all eternity.
Editor's Note:
To reach Daniel Slate with your com-
ments, suggestions or advice, e-mail him
at [email protected]