Through an undercover operation started some time ago, I infiltrated a retail store as an entry- level employee in order to find out how it was run. I did this because, as a college student and Driftwood reporter, I know that many of you out there will be forced into the retail workplace in order to pay for tuition, and you should know what you are getting yourself into.
The following are all direct quotes from a secretly recovered Retail Associate's Handbook. (And, as usual, to protect my sources, I am recklessly lying.) I offer you now a glimpse into retail sales:
"It is the purpose of this handbook to inform you, our valued new employee, of the company's policies and rules by which you will be expected to live as one of our trusted employees.
The first responsibility of a trusted employee is to inform the management of the misdeeds of your coworkers, none of whom you should trust. Also, you will be expected to take a drug and polygraph test at the end of every work day. This will be accompanied by a body cavity search. As a trusted and valued member of our team, someone from management will accompany you on any visits to a gastroenterologist, astrologer, cosmetician, cosmonaut, urologist, abolitionist, mixologist or any other person involved in practices that may run contrary to what we deem acceptable employee behavior. (Many of us here in upper management are paranoid schizophrenics, which means, we not only think that you are keeping things from us, but that we are keeping things from us.)
First and foremost, we, the management, reserve the right to fire you without any real provocation at all. We in no way have to give you, our valued employee, any type of reason, compensation, or advance notice whatsoever. It is the employee's responsibility to figure out why he or she was fired so that they may correctly fill out the 'reason for leaving previous job' section of their next dead-end retail job application. Also, when we use the term 'fired' and 'terminated’ what we actually mean is that you will be forced to resign. If we actually 'fired' you, we might have to pay unemployment, and we're just not going to do that. If an agreement cannot be reached wherein you resign, your pay and hours will be cut to a level so low that you will be forced to find work elsewhere. So there.
It is important that you sign (in blood), date, notarize and return the following section of this, your employee handbook, to a member of management before you begin your first shift of work:
=============================================================================
I, (your name), have read, understand, and totally agree with the rules and regulations found in this handbook. I have not let anyone else read this handbook - not my parents, not a lawyer, or any member of the labor board or any other public official who may have an interest in closing us down based upon child labor laws, poor working conditions or miscellaneous charges ranging from pandering to treason.
I, (your name), furthermore agree to comply with all said policies on all levels, discussed herein or not, real or imagined. I realize that there will be times when a member of management will quote a rule which may not technically be in the handbook. I know that it is the privilege of management to make things up on the spot, as their mood strikes them.
Lastly; I, (your name), basically agree to cater to the whims and fancies of the store manager, all the assistant and shift managers, the district manager, the regional manager, the company president, the company's thirty-two vice presidents, the acting chairperson and all members of the board, the secretary in charge of office supplies, all those bastards from loss prevention and also every customer that walks in the door.
(please sign here).
Once again, we welcome you to our company - our family. A rather large, hateful, abusive, backstabbing, dysfunctional family - but isn't that every family? Besides, we'll give you $5 an hour to spend time with us."
More excerpts from the "Handbook" to follow .....
To reach Daniel Slate with questions, advice or
comments, email him at
[email protected]
The following are all direct quotes from a secretly recovered Retail Associate's Handbook. (And, as usual, to protect my sources, I am recklessly lying.) I offer you now a glimpse into retail sales:
"It is the purpose of this handbook to inform you, our valued new employee, of the company's policies and rules by which you will be expected to live as one of our trusted employees.
The first responsibility of a trusted employee is to inform the management of the misdeeds of your coworkers, none of whom you should trust. Also, you will be expected to take a drug and polygraph test at the end of every work day. This will be accompanied by a body cavity search. As a trusted and valued member of our team, someone from management will accompany you on any visits to a gastroenterologist, astrologer, cosmetician, cosmonaut, urologist, abolitionist, mixologist or any other person involved in practices that may run contrary to what we deem acceptable employee behavior. (Many of us here in upper management are paranoid schizophrenics, which means, we not only think that you are keeping things from us, but that we are keeping things from us.)
First and foremost, we, the management, reserve the right to fire you without any real provocation at all. We in no way have to give you, our valued employee, any type of reason, compensation, or advance notice whatsoever. It is the employee's responsibility to figure out why he or she was fired so that they may correctly fill out the 'reason for leaving previous job' section of their next dead-end retail job application. Also, when we use the term 'fired' and 'terminated’ what we actually mean is that you will be forced to resign. If we actually 'fired' you, we might have to pay unemployment, and we're just not going to do that. If an agreement cannot be reached wherein you resign, your pay and hours will be cut to a level so low that you will be forced to find work elsewhere. So there.
It is important that you sign (in blood), date, notarize and return the following section of this, your employee handbook, to a member of management before you begin your first shift of work:
=============================================================================
I, (your name), have read, understand, and totally agree with the rules and regulations found in this handbook. I have not let anyone else read this handbook - not my parents, not a lawyer, or any member of the labor board or any other public official who may have an interest in closing us down based upon child labor laws, poor working conditions or miscellaneous charges ranging from pandering to treason.
I, (your name), furthermore agree to comply with all said policies on all levels, discussed herein or not, real or imagined. I realize that there will be times when a member of management will quote a rule which may not technically be in the handbook. I know that it is the privilege of management to make things up on the spot, as their mood strikes them.
Lastly; I, (your name), basically agree to cater to the whims and fancies of the store manager, all the assistant and shift managers, the district manager, the regional manager, the company president, the company's thirty-two vice presidents, the acting chairperson and all members of the board, the secretary in charge of office supplies, all those bastards from loss prevention and also every customer that walks in the door.
(please sign here).
Once again, we welcome you to our company - our family. A rather large, hateful, abusive, backstabbing, dysfunctional family - but isn't that every family? Besides, we'll give you $5 an hour to spend time with us."
More excerpts from the "Handbook" to follow .....
To reach Daniel Slate with questions, advice or
comments, email him at
[email protected]