Have I ever told you about my job?
I mean my real job-- writing for Driftwood isn't so much a job as it is a time-consuming nuisance. No, my actual job is that of a gallery guard at the Contemporary Arts Center (900 Camp Street. Come see me. Really. Anybody.)
You probably can't tell from my job title, but my main work-related responsibility is lurking. That is, I go to work to lurk. It's not as easy as it sounds. If it was, then I wouldn't be getting $5.75 an hour, would I?!
Lurking requires a certain sullenness-- an implied threat. The non-specific motivation behind lurking is: "If you do something that I dislike here, within the boundaries of my lurking territory, I'll kill you."
You see, lurking must also be done in a confined area-- it is territorial. For example, if you are out one night lurking around the docks, and then decide to follow someone home and lurk around in their yard, you have crossed the lurking line and gone right into stalking. Lurking, many times, is actually the very first step in the stalking process, although one does not necessarily lead to the other. One must be very careful when lurking not to slip into some other type of behavior' which, while similar to lurking, may be something else entirely. It takes a lot of concentration to purely lurk.
Skulking, for example, seems similar to lurking, but is actually much more similar to moping. The implied threat is different. Whilst a lurker looks as if he could attack at any moment, the skulker looks as if he could burst into tears at any moment. Skulking is nearly identical to sulking, except that skulking involves some movement, whereas sulking is just a state of mind. For example, if you sit in a chair in your apartment feeling really depressed, you are sulking. But if you, at some point, get up and go to the bathroom or kitchen, you are skulking. Skulking is simply sulking in motion. Either way, these are both self-involved activities, whereas lurking is potentially threatening. Lurking has intent. One does not lurk aimlessly. Muggers, for example, lurk just prior to mugging. Lurking implies pouncing. Cats lurk.
Be careful not to confuse lurking with sneaking. You see, lurking must be done conspicuously, otherwise, you are just sneaking around. (Of course, it should go without saying that if you do any of this while naked, you are then streaking.) Also, lurking must be done alone and quietly. You cannot lurk with a friend while making conversation-- then you are simply loitering. (Unless you are getting $5.75 an hour; then you are a gallery guard at the Contemporary Arts Center.)
Lurking must also be ominous. One must, by definition, lurk ominously. If you were to lurk happily or
uproariously, you would simply cease to lurk. You would then be doing some annoying version of chillaxin'.
It's OK to lurk menacingly or gloomily. But you may not lurk noisily or quickly. Lurking is time-consuming; there is no way to get in a quick ten minute lurk. It is virtually impossible to walk into an area and immediately begin lurking. For the first half hour or so, you are simply hanging around. After about forty-five minutes you may begin to lurk in earnest, but unless you are prepared to keep at it for at least three solid hours, it won't really be effective.
One question I have been asking myself for some time now, is whether it is possible to lurk on paper. Does my column, for example, lurk here within the pages of Driftwood?
The answer is: No, it does not.
The reason is: Because I always write it while naked.
Questions, advice or comments?
Email Daniel Slate at
[email protected]
I mean my real job-- writing for Driftwood isn't so much a job as it is a time-consuming nuisance. No, my actual job is that of a gallery guard at the Contemporary Arts Center (900 Camp Street. Come see me. Really. Anybody.)
You probably can't tell from my job title, but my main work-related responsibility is lurking. That is, I go to work to lurk. It's not as easy as it sounds. If it was, then I wouldn't be getting $5.75 an hour, would I?!
Lurking requires a certain sullenness-- an implied threat. The non-specific motivation behind lurking is: "If you do something that I dislike here, within the boundaries of my lurking territory, I'll kill you."
You see, lurking must also be done in a confined area-- it is territorial. For example, if you are out one night lurking around the docks, and then decide to follow someone home and lurk around in their yard, you have crossed the lurking line and gone right into stalking. Lurking, many times, is actually the very first step in the stalking process, although one does not necessarily lead to the other. One must be very careful when lurking not to slip into some other type of behavior' which, while similar to lurking, may be something else entirely. It takes a lot of concentration to purely lurk.
Skulking, for example, seems similar to lurking, but is actually much more similar to moping. The implied threat is different. Whilst a lurker looks as if he could attack at any moment, the skulker looks as if he could burst into tears at any moment. Skulking is nearly identical to sulking, except that skulking involves some movement, whereas sulking is just a state of mind. For example, if you sit in a chair in your apartment feeling really depressed, you are sulking. But if you, at some point, get up and go to the bathroom or kitchen, you are skulking. Skulking is simply sulking in motion. Either way, these are both self-involved activities, whereas lurking is potentially threatening. Lurking has intent. One does not lurk aimlessly. Muggers, for example, lurk just prior to mugging. Lurking implies pouncing. Cats lurk.
Be careful not to confuse lurking with sneaking. You see, lurking must be done conspicuously, otherwise, you are just sneaking around. (Of course, it should go without saying that if you do any of this while naked, you are then streaking.) Also, lurking must be done alone and quietly. You cannot lurk with a friend while making conversation-- then you are simply loitering. (Unless you are getting $5.75 an hour; then you are a gallery guard at the Contemporary Arts Center.)
Lurking must also be ominous. One must, by definition, lurk ominously. If you were to lurk happily or
uproariously, you would simply cease to lurk. You would then be doing some annoying version of chillaxin'.
It's OK to lurk menacingly or gloomily. But you may not lurk noisily or quickly. Lurking is time-consuming; there is no way to get in a quick ten minute lurk. It is virtually impossible to walk into an area and immediately begin lurking. For the first half hour or so, you are simply hanging around. After about forty-five minutes you may begin to lurk in earnest, but unless you are prepared to keep at it for at least three solid hours, it won't really be effective.
One question I have been asking myself for some time now, is whether it is possible to lurk on paper. Does my column, for example, lurk here within the pages of Driftwood?
The answer is: No, it does not.
The reason is: Because I always write it while naked.
Questions, advice or comments?
Email Daniel Slate at
[email protected]