Last week I brought you a list of terms that landlords use when describing their rental property to tenants. These terms are frequently a little misleading. For example, there's the
"unfurnished kitchen." I've had a few of those. 'This is a room in an apartment about the size of a toll booth that contains no stove, no sink, no refrigerator, no counter space or cabinet space and no electrical outlets at all. There will, however, be a spoon or fork left lying in the corner of this room. This is how you will recognize your "unfurnished kitchen." (I wouldn't use that fork or spoon you found in there for anything.)
This week I'd like to point out a few more specific things to look out for as potential warning signs when renting. The reason these are so specific is that they have all actually happened to me in the past year.
Frequently one must be wary of a person who claims to be the owner of a building, but may in fact just be a grossly overweight dominatrix/compulsive liar (who insists that everyone call her "Madame de Sade" even though her name is Lisa, and claims to be a close personal friend of Madonna, Prince and Bill Clinton. She
may also claim to know for a fact that Elvis was in the Ku Klux Klan and that Bruce Springsteen beats up women and doesn't write his own songs. Furthermore, she may at one point experience a "spontaneous" pregnancy complete with an ultrasound picture which was downloaded from the internet. Delusions are a bad quality in a landlady). Such a woman will not actually be the owner of the building in which you are renting a room; she will
be the woman who is illegally subletting a room to you until her "lifetime contracted slave" gets back into town two months later, at which time you will have to leave or share a room with a big ugly naked guy named "Red." I'm really not making this up.
Also, beware of dealing with a land lord who has one of those little intercom buzzers from Radio Shack located next to her doorbell. It is a very bad sign when you buzz her, and she buzzes back: "yes? who is it?' and then you, after identifying yourself, proceed to tell her that you'd like to speak with her about the apartment that you've already paid for, but still isn't ready even though two weeks have gone by. It is a very bad sign if there is a long
pause followed by her responding by buzzing back, from the other side of the door "Uh .... I'm not at home right now. Try back tomorrow around three." (I swear to you, I AM NOT MAKING ANY OF THIS UP.)
It is not a good sign when you can no longer find the door to your apartment because it has been boarded up and painted to match the rest of the wall while you were at work (Yes, this happened to me).
It is not a good sign when you are about to start moving into a second floor apartment and find that the entire floor of the kitchen is gone and you can see into the kitchen of the apartment on the first floor. (This happened too. This is actually not a good sign for the person on the first floor either.)
It is a very bad sign when someone else moves into your apartment while you are at work.
It isn't a good sign when you are looking at pornography on the internet (by accident, of course) and you realize that you are sitting in the room where most of the pictures were taken. ("www.Ledungeon.com" and "www.ninacam.com" -but I think the websites have been taken down due to legal problems. I'm really serious. The room I lived in for a few months used to be a dungeon.)
Well, it's been two columns and I have barely scratched the surface of this topic. Renting an apartment in New Orleans is a tricky business and I hope this little guide proves indispensable when dealing with the Madame de Sades of the rental world. Luckily I've found a nice secure place to live now - and if my mom would just stop yelling at me to clean up my room, everything would be perfect.
Questions, advice or com-
ments? E-mail Daniel Slate at
[email protected]
"unfurnished kitchen." I've had a few of those. 'This is a room in an apartment about the size of a toll booth that contains no stove, no sink, no refrigerator, no counter space or cabinet space and no electrical outlets at all. There will, however, be a spoon or fork left lying in the corner of this room. This is how you will recognize your "unfurnished kitchen." (I wouldn't use that fork or spoon you found in there for anything.)
This week I'd like to point out a few more specific things to look out for as potential warning signs when renting. The reason these are so specific is that they have all actually happened to me in the past year.
Frequently one must be wary of a person who claims to be the owner of a building, but may in fact just be a grossly overweight dominatrix/compulsive liar (who insists that everyone call her "Madame de Sade" even though her name is Lisa, and claims to be a close personal friend of Madonna, Prince and Bill Clinton. She
may also claim to know for a fact that Elvis was in the Ku Klux Klan and that Bruce Springsteen beats up women and doesn't write his own songs. Furthermore, she may at one point experience a "spontaneous" pregnancy complete with an ultrasound picture which was downloaded from the internet. Delusions are a bad quality in a landlady). Such a woman will not actually be the owner of the building in which you are renting a room; she will
be the woman who is illegally subletting a room to you until her "lifetime contracted slave" gets back into town two months later, at which time you will have to leave or share a room with a big ugly naked guy named "Red." I'm really not making this up.
Also, beware of dealing with a land lord who has one of those little intercom buzzers from Radio Shack located next to her doorbell. It is a very bad sign when you buzz her, and she buzzes back: "yes? who is it?' and then you, after identifying yourself, proceed to tell her that you'd like to speak with her about the apartment that you've already paid for, but still isn't ready even though two weeks have gone by. It is a very bad sign if there is a long
pause followed by her responding by buzzing back, from the other side of the door "Uh .... I'm not at home right now. Try back tomorrow around three." (I swear to you, I AM NOT MAKING ANY OF THIS UP.)
It is not a good sign when you can no longer find the door to your apartment because it has been boarded up and painted to match the rest of the wall while you were at work (Yes, this happened to me).
It is not a good sign when you are about to start moving into a second floor apartment and find that the entire floor of the kitchen is gone and you can see into the kitchen of the apartment on the first floor. (This happened too. This is actually not a good sign for the person on the first floor either.)
It is a very bad sign when someone else moves into your apartment while you are at work.
It isn't a good sign when you are looking at pornography on the internet (by accident, of course) and you realize that you are sitting in the room where most of the pictures were taken. ("www.Ledungeon.com" and "www.ninacam.com" -but I think the websites have been taken down due to legal problems. I'm really serious. The room I lived in for a few months used to be a dungeon.)
Well, it's been two columns and I have barely scratched the surface of this topic. Renting an apartment in New Orleans is a tricky business and I hope this little guide proves indispensable when dealing with the Madame de Sades of the rental world. Luckily I've found a nice secure place to live now - and if my mom would just stop yelling at me to clean up my room, everything would be perfect.
Questions, advice or com-
ments? E-mail Daniel Slate at
[email protected]