Summer is now upon us and that means one thing to all those industrious students who want to earn extra cash for school -- a summer job. I am in a unique position to give fellow students some helpful tips on the whole employment process. This is because I have had approximately 15 jobs in the last four years - which clearly says something about me. It says, "This guy can get a job! ...he can't hold one to save his life, but, by God, he can get one!"
The first step to getting a job is filling out the employment application. It is of the utmost importance that you lie on this document. Not just lie, but lie with reckless abandon. Show a shameless disregard for the truth normally reserved for sociopaths or creationists. Half-truths are fine, but they're only half as impressive as outright falsehoods. Sometimes, a resume may be used instead of an application. A resume is good in that it offers the skilled liar an opportunity to stretch out and include the sort of detailed lies that could mean the difference between job security and a life of petty theft. Remember: the best jobs go to two types of people - (1) people far more qualified than you, or (2) people who lied about being far more qualified than you. Once you hand in-a really impressive, albeit tremendously inaccurate, employment application you will surely be called in for a job interview.
The first question in nearly all of the job interviews that I've had is: “So what makes you think you could be a porno actor?" A lot of people have told me this question isn't pertinent to everyone.
The second question is usually: "Would you please tell us a little bit about yourself?"
This is your chance to score really big points. For goodness sake, don't rattle off some boring history of past accomplishments. You should instead reveal something very personal about yourself - this lets them know that you are not just another dull, faceless, nameless job applicant, but a real human being with hurts and wants and needs - just like them. Some examples of effective responses to the question are:
"Well, once I killed a guy for not hiring me"
OR
"My grandmother is dead. Yep, it's the damnedest thing! She just dropped dead one day. It’s sad really."
At some point during the interview, you will be asked why you left your previous job. Under no circumstances should you let them know about the violent mood swings, embezzlement, sexual harassment, tardiness, absences and gunplay that brought about your most recent termination. Answer this question with the phrase "No comment,' or "I believe it would violate my Fifth Amendment rights to answer that question"
Some people will tell you it is a bad sign if you have to invoke your Fifth Amendment rights during a job interview, but they’re wrong. It shows backbone and a knowledge of the constitution, as it specifically pertains to not admitting incriminating things.
After the interview is over, all you can do is wait. Well, wait and phone the business every 20 minutes to see if they have made a decision yet. If they haven't, ask why. If they have, you're going to want to know why their decision doesn't involve your being hired, who the hell runs this damned company, etc.
I'd like to mention, as I close this little article, that I myself am actually looking for a job. So if there are any prospective employers out there interested in hiring a Harvard graduate with a degree in brain surgery and aerospace engineering, give me a call. I also have several letters of reference - one from the Pope.
The first step to getting a job is filling out the employment application. It is of the utmost importance that you lie on this document. Not just lie, but lie with reckless abandon. Show a shameless disregard for the truth normally reserved for sociopaths or creationists. Half-truths are fine, but they're only half as impressive as outright falsehoods. Sometimes, a resume may be used instead of an application. A resume is good in that it offers the skilled liar an opportunity to stretch out and include the sort of detailed lies that could mean the difference between job security and a life of petty theft. Remember: the best jobs go to two types of people - (1) people far more qualified than you, or (2) people who lied about being far more qualified than you. Once you hand in-a really impressive, albeit tremendously inaccurate, employment application you will surely be called in for a job interview.
The first question in nearly all of the job interviews that I've had is: “So what makes you think you could be a porno actor?" A lot of people have told me this question isn't pertinent to everyone.
The second question is usually: "Would you please tell us a little bit about yourself?"
This is your chance to score really big points. For goodness sake, don't rattle off some boring history of past accomplishments. You should instead reveal something very personal about yourself - this lets them know that you are not just another dull, faceless, nameless job applicant, but a real human being with hurts and wants and needs - just like them. Some examples of effective responses to the question are:
"Well, once I killed a guy for not hiring me"
OR
"My grandmother is dead. Yep, it's the damnedest thing! She just dropped dead one day. It’s sad really."
At some point during the interview, you will be asked why you left your previous job. Under no circumstances should you let them know about the violent mood swings, embezzlement, sexual harassment, tardiness, absences and gunplay that brought about your most recent termination. Answer this question with the phrase "No comment,' or "I believe it would violate my Fifth Amendment rights to answer that question"
Some people will tell you it is a bad sign if you have to invoke your Fifth Amendment rights during a job interview, but they’re wrong. It shows backbone and a knowledge of the constitution, as it specifically pertains to not admitting incriminating things.
After the interview is over, all you can do is wait. Well, wait and phone the business every 20 minutes to see if they have made a decision yet. If they haven't, ask why. If they have, you're going to want to know why their decision doesn't involve your being hired, who the hell runs this damned company, etc.
I'd like to mention, as I close this little article, that I myself am actually looking for a job. So if there are any prospective employers out there interested in hiring a Harvard graduate with a degree in brain surgery and aerospace engineering, give me a call. I also have several letters of reference - one from the Pope.